The joy that is Uber- I mean seriously what was life without them? Uber makes our lives significantly easier and cheaper (not to mention we’ve all become that much lazier). However, your journey experience is usually determined by the man driving the car and I think we are all too familiar with the range of drivers that can be sat behind the wheel. Seeing as we all seem to be guilty of getting the odd two or three Ubers a month, we thought it would be appropriate to devise a list of the types of drivers that you may have bared witness too.

 

 

  1. The Driver Who Thinks He’s One Of The Gang:

 

It’s a Friday night you, you’re half a bottle of vodka down and you’ve all been dancing in the kitchen with the usual suspects of your friendship group, when you get the call from Uber. Your chariot awaits you. You gather the troops and at times it does feel like you are preparing for war ‘Let’s go, LETS GO! Is everyone ready?!’ the urgency in your voice getting greater with every minute you’ve left the guy outside waiting. However, you needn’t have worried. Simon, who will be driving you all is a total chiller and as you all get in the car, he has no problem cranking up the ‘chuunes’ and singing along to Kellis’ Milkshakes. He also has no problem featuring in your Snapchat videos and revels in the fact that he can wind the windows down at the traffic lights so that neighbouring stationary cars can look at him and all his ‘hunnies’.

 

 

 

  1. The General Arsehole

This guy does not want to be your friend. Aggressive and unimpressed this guy

  • Will not let you plug your iPhone into the USB cable
  • Will halt the car completely if he spies you (not so slyly) trying to consume your alcoholic beverage
  • Will not participate in your Snapchat stories
  • Will not allow group singalongs
  • Will drop you more than 50 meters away from your destination of choice
  • Will lower your Uber rating regardless of how good you were
  • Hates everyone

 

 

  1. The Morning After Uber Driver

 

The more discreet this guy is the better. Whether you passed out at your friend’s house or passed out with a fleeting love interest, you need to get home and there is no way you would dare be seen looking and feeling as you do by tube. Last night you were a pretty solid 7 and come the morning you’re scraping a 4. The exit needs to be swift, conversation minimal. Your Uber driver makes his own assessment of your night out depending on how dreadful you look. He may think of himself as a funny man and ask whether you had a big night, which is already painstakingly obvious that you did. He will get the drift soon enough, when you became deeply transfixed on your phone (that has a flat battery) and you will ride in silence together to your chosen destination.

 

 

  1. The driver who likes to swop life stories and share philosophical outlooks with you

We have all been there when you’re two sheets to the wind and think who better to talk about the purity of your soul with, than the Uber driver Frank. The usual suspect conversations tend to be about

  • Death and what does it mean?
  • Life and the choices we have made
  • Your future prospects- ‘You can be anything your heart desires’(except maybe a runway model- thanks Frank)
  • Your Exes and his past and present wives
  • Who you think you are as a person
  • Politics and how you consider yourself as an eligible candidate for the next election
  • Politics and how you consider Frank as an equally eligible candidate
  • The starving children of Africa
  • World Peace
  • What you had for dinner
  • 3 of Frank’s life lessons

 

  1. The Silent Witness

This is the driver who gets to bear witness to your inner thoughts as you give a monologue to whoever is unfortunate enough to be your taxi companion or is at the end of your phone call (usually good friends fulfilling a duty or your long suffering mother who also doubles as your therapist).  Whether it’s listening to you and your best friend talk about every feeling you’ve ever felt (ever), your most recent interview rejection or drunk calling your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend (‘But-I-stiiill-love-you!’) the poor Uber driver remains silent as ever. Whether it’s compassion or just pure fascination, no one will ever know, but I am sure they’ve now got enough material to write an award winning sit com if their hearts so wished.

 

 

C.Moncrieff