Whilst Britain can now wake up safe in the knowledge that they haven’t won first prize for 2016 f**k up’s we can now presume Trump is madly googling


 I’m US President- What Now?

 I mean we all joked about the worst-case scenario, but that’s why it was both a joke and a worst-case scenario. When you say ‘worst case scenario’ there is often that smug kind of confidence that it will NEVER HAPPEN- but alas no. I mean, I am pretty sure we have all seen those pictures of Hillary supporters crying as it is becoming apparent that this absolute nightmare is coming true.

I mean, it’s actually dumb founding when you weigh it all up. I mean WHY NOT TRUMP? He’s a great role model after all, who loves women, equality and all countries as much as his own. Let’s just bullet point a few pointers that could help us conclude JUST WHY he has gotten so far.


  1. We all do love a bit of casual racism:

‘When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending the best. They’re not sending you, they’re sending people that have lots of problems and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists… And some, I assume, are good people.


  1. He’s a fabulous builder:

“I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me – and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.”


  1. He’s a great Agony Aunt:

“Ariana Huffington is unattractive, both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man – he made a good decision.”


  1. He may be able to audition for X Men soon-he does indeed possess powers to rival no other:

“My Twitter has become so powerful that I can actually make my enemies tell the truth.”


  1. He is well endowed (this is of course CRUCIAL for running the country):

“Look at those hands, are they small hands? And, [Republican rival Marco Rubio] referred to my hands: ‘If they’re small, something else must be small.’ I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee.”


And again- we just can’t get enough


“My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.”

  1. His modesty blows us away every time:

“My IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure; it’s not your fault.”

  1. Promotes Incest:

“I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”


7.He is on the ball about things we didn’t even know existed:

“It’s freezing and snowing in New York – we need global warming!”


8.He knows how to treat a lady and make her feel special:

“Grab them by the pussy”


So in summary you can see just why Trump has done so unbelievably well and garnered so much support. These qualities go above and beyond to show just what a commendable guy he is- who wouldn’t want such a TOP GUY!!

So Britain, congrats on being bumped down to second place. Bring on 2017- I think its going to be a good one!!!