The chances are if you’re a single twenty something, you will feature on at least one dating app. It is no longer such a big taboo to have a dating app profile. Its not like in the 90s and early 2000’s where as children we were told the horror stories of online dating and we had generally associated them with people who were just generally a bit desperate and perhaps a bit ugly. Oh how things have changed. Now it’s a question of just which app you are on, be it Bumble, Tinder, Happen or what.


I generally find most my swiping is done when I’m lying in bed hung over or on the loo ‘passing the time’. You look at the various profiles and consider their photos and realize there has been some considerable amount of thought put into the choosing of said photos. It seems there is this unspoken formula that people have used when putting their pictures together. This comes in the form of


  • the beach shot (to show off beach bod- this is what I will look like nearly naked people)
  • the group shot (yep I am not a loner, look at all of my mates! M8s 4 lyfe)
  • the animal shot (I am at one with both people and animals- you could in fact be swiping the horse whisperer)
  • the sports shot (I care about my mental and physical well being, not likely to die of a premature heart attack)
  • the baby shot (‘it’s my baby nephew- I swear’ but also look how paternal I am! Mother/Father material!!)


So once you have a couple matches in the bank, its time to get the chat flowing, which is quite possibly the most tedious part of the app (regardless of the fact that that is also the purpose of it). So, at current my newest line isn’t getting much love despite the fact that I’m rather chuffed with it. How better to break the ice then sending a GIF of a whale crashing into the water and going




I mean comedy gold no? Well apparently not. You look at your past chats for inspiration and realize that more often than not the opening lines from either one of you are equally dire. The most boring perhaps being


Hey 😉


Nothing to make one shudder quicker than a winky face- or for that matter emojis in general! If you’re really scraping for inspiration you end up looking at their blurb under their pictures, which depending on what they say can be a turn on or a turn off.



Anything along the following is enough to cause a general grimace


‘Dreamer-Traveller-Passion Seeker’

‘Looking for someone to be the big/small spoon’

‘Willing to put the graft in if I can put my shaft in’


…Or those that use their bios as a review platform

‘10/10’ The Huffington Post

‘Best Boy/Girl Friend ever’ Ex BF/GF (which is why you’re both still together right?)

‘Generous Lover’ Karma Sutra


Then there is the date itself (if you can get to that point). These either can be rather fun or quite honestly just a bit bleak. You meet said stranger/potential lover at the bar/pub (or for all you nutters, at dinner! Why would you constrict yourself like that?) and gauge whether this has any potential. Depending if the person has any social skills will determine the outcome of the date. You back yours but you don’t technically know what they are capable of yet.


However, if all fails there is nothing like a couple G&T’s to help chug things a long nicely. And if that fails ensure you have a ready excuse to leave. The chances are if you think its sinking like a ship, they’re hardly going to think it’s any better. However for all those that do muster the courage to go on that date kudos to you!


But I think it is fair to say a vast majority of us can unanimously agree that dating apps can be rather painful. Just remember the more pear shaped the dates goes, the better the story!



Happy Swiping!