The Most Common Habitation Patterns of Young Human Beings

 

Gone are the heady days of halls. Confined to yesteryear are those happy days of student housing. No longer is there a kindly agency to provide you with a five-bedroom house to inhabit with your student cohorts for around the same price per month as a one-bed studio flat in Uxbridge. After uni, we all end up falling into similar situations for housing, all of us complaining about the extortionate rents we pay and looking longingly to the age of 37, where we might just be able to afford a mortgage in Morden for a semi “that needs some work” between a crack house and a skunk farm. Is there a solution? No. But maybe the pros and cons of the below will help you decide which of these evils is the lesser with regards to who you live with and where.

 

Cohabiters:

Friends (3 or more)

Pros:

  • Highly sociable.
  • A good stepping stone between university and having your own place.
  • Constant plan-formation, fun-making, banter-throwing etc.

Cons:

  • Crowded – try having a shower any time before 6am, using the oven any time after 7pm or having any alone time, ever.
  • No privacy – you’d better have some discreet housemates if you ever hope to be entertaining a party of one.
  • Constant hum of rowdiness, boisterousness etc.
  • Someone, at any one time, will be drunk and will want you to join them.
  • Often, if not always: Dirty – Unwashed dishes, dirty sportswear, mouldy bathrooms.

 

 

Friends (fewer than 3)

Pros:

  • All the fun of a large house, but with less noise.
  • One can grow closer to their housemates through cohabitation in a more intensive environment.
  • More autonomy, but still shared responsibility for house upkeep.

Cons:

  • Somehow there’s still no sodding space and you’re all still queueing for the shower.
  • Fewer people means fewer people to blame.
  • Can learn far too much about your friends by living with them. You’ll know what I mean when you experience it.

 

Significant Other:

Pros:

  • Relatively obvious.

Cons:

  • Painfully obvious when they become apparent.

 

Solo

Pros:

  • Beautiful, blissful peace and quiet.
  • Autonomy over Netflix.
  • Added responsibility of looking after yourself and the abode itself.

Cons:

  • THE CRIPPLING RESPONSIBILITY OF LOOKING AFTER YOURSELF WITH NO-ONE TO HELP
  • The devastating black hole of loneliness that engulfs you every morning.

 

 Parents:

Pros:

  • Zero responsibility.
  • Often minimal to no rent.
  • Possible proximity to animals, fuzzy or otherwise.

Cons:

  • Constant parental scrutiny.
  • My Chemical Romance posters still on the wall in your bedroom.
  • Usually some geographical distance between you and friends.
  • Crippling sense of retardation of own maturity.

 

Location: (London-based, as per writer’s personal experience)

 

Central

Pros: Zero commute; constant parties at yours.

Cons: Rent; constant parties at yours; party-goers insisting on crashing at yours.

 

Clapham

Pros: Within 20 minutes’ walking distance of your other posh friends; Clapham Common; excellent pubs.

Cons: Northern Line; full of twats in red chinos; full of yummy mummies; no-one visits south of the river because “it’s so far away.’

 

East

Pros: Proximity to Shoreditch; abundance of coffee shops.

Cons: Coffee shops full of twats; full of hipster bellends; no-one visits east because “it’s so far away.”

Fulham:

Pros: You can pretend you’re successful.

Cons: You’re not, and you can’t get anywhere because it is a public transport vacuum of despair.

 

Richmond:

Pros: You’ve successfully moved out into the suburbs.

Cons: Fifteen years too early.

 

Good luck.

 

M.Underhill