Nine Types of Housemates You’ll Encounter After University

 

As you set off on the path to professional success and fortune, you will most likely end up living with a small group of other young professionals. Who wouldn’t want to do that?! Living with a group of likeminded people, in similar situations, getting down to the grindstone while laughing about wacky scenarios that happen to them, just like the gang from F.R.I.E.N.D.S. (god that’s a pain to type). Well, sadly, once we move into our cramped bedsit in Hackney Wick we realise that US sitcoms have lied to us – no-one under the age of 45 who isn’t a sheikh lives in a penthouse apartment. However, the people we share the experiences with along the way are just as colourful as those in our American counterparts’ TV shows, and while many are something of a blend of the following categorisations, I believe the below to be a pretty good starting point.

 


  1. The Party Animal

 

  • Will be out Thursday, Friday, Saturday and occasionally Sunday nights, almost without fail.
  • Often has a liberal attitude to sex (though isn’t stupid, most of the time).
  • Lurches violently from being loaded to broke in the space of a weekend.

 

Pros:

·      Great fun on nights out

·      In week after pay-day, very generous

·      Always knows what events are going on

 

Cons:

·      Constant stream of strangers in your house

·      In weeks preceding pay-day, a total leech

·      Just a bit much

2.The Straight One

 

  • Very professional – works very hard, usually wears a suit to work.
  • Drinks occasionally, never to excess.
  • Commendable 3-4 times-a-week gym routine.
Pros:

·      A steady, calming presence

·      Quick to help look over a CV etc.

·      Will often be the one who takes on responsibilities of tenancy

Cons:

·      Not much fun at parties

·      Gets on your case for not working hard enough

·      Lighten up – you’re in your twenties!

 

3. The Beer-Chugging City Lad

 

  • Former uni rugby/hockey player with lapsed, flabby physique.
  • Got a 2:1 in Geography/Anthropology and impressed at interview with chatty, amiable manner. Now massively in over his head.
  • Lives for the weekend.

 

Pros:

·      Fun to be around, if you can stand “the bants”

·      Constant supply of booze in the house

·      Generous pub buddy

Cons:

·      Usually not much of a contributor to a clean house

·      Often found on sofa in beer-stained suit with uneaten takeaway in front of them

·      Often a bad influence with alcohol

 

 

 4. The Neat Freak

 

  • Constantly donning marigolds.
  • Neurotic about cleanliness, hygiene, mould, rats.
  • Often not very successful with other sex.

 

 

Pros:

·      Clean flat

·      Reminds you to be more grown-up and responsible

·      Will often clean on their own if ignored long enough

Cons:

·      Can often be a bit overbearing

·      “Seriously though mate, it’s 10.45 on a Friday night, we’re just about to go out, the dishes can wait until the sodding morning!”

 

 5. The Hippy

 

  • Tokes de ‘erb.
  • Often vegan.
  • Frequents rallies. Makes own signs.

 

Pros:

·      Can give you a good chat about life, the universe and everything

·      Sometimes will cook something exotic

·      Can lend you very baggy clothes in red, green and/or yellow

Cons:

·      The house smells like a crack den

·      Will become a night-owl at weekends, not to be seen leaving their rooms until mid-evening

·      “So three different drug dealers all know where I live?”

 

 

 6. The Couple

 

  • Usually a couple you know both halves of.
  • Might have let you live with them out of sympathy or kindness.
  • This probably wasn’t their plan.

 

Pros:

·      ABSOLUTELY NONE.

Cons:

·      When the relationship is going well, you are a constant, lingering, third-wheel fart that won’t go away.

·      When the relationship is going badly (possibly because of your presence), the atmosphere is toxic, much like the aforementioned fart.

 

 

 7. The Old One

 

  • Life hasn’t quite panned out the way they thought it would.
  • A few years older than other housemates.
  • Possibly failed musician/actor/model. Now works in events and/or hospitality.

 

Pros:

·      They are gurus – can offer advice on anything

·      Tend to have good stories

·      A constant reminder to stay on top of your game

Cons:

·      Early bed-times

·      If bed-times are disrupted, can become very grumpy indeed

 

8. The Overworked One

 

  • Tend to either work in the NHS or as junior lawyers.
  • Never at home.
  • Cold, dead eyes within three weeks of starting.

 

Pros:

·      At least it’ll pay off for them eventually

·      Free bed for visitors

·      “Thank Christ that’s not me.”

Cons:

·      Makes you feel a bit sorry for them

·      Makes your feel a bit sorry for yourself – they’re actually working hard and you’re watching Netflix in your pants again.

 

 

The Enigma

 

  • Supposedly lives with you, not that you see them- ever.
  • Works in IT, you think? 
Pros:

·      Rent is paid, at least

·      Provides an air of mystery to the house share

Cons:

·      Slight sense of unease about living with a stranger

·      Occasional noises emanate from their rooms, sometimes animal-like

·      Very real possibility that you’re living with a serial killer

 

 

I believe during my time in London I was wholeheartedly number 3) and I’m sure you, dear reader, you know which one(s) you were. If you don’t, you were number 2). Go hang out with number 3) a bit more, number 2) – you’re only young once.

 

 

 

M.Underhill