It’s official-today sucks. This was only confirmed this morning when I received the £100 fine in the post for having stopped my car (momentarily) in a yellow box. This was then further reiterated when Janet from HR sent me an email forbidding my use of the staff kitchen microwave because of my apparent incapability of using it properly.

Quote Janet that I was

 

‘Ruining the staff privileges of having a microwave by not clearing up after myself properly’

 

This is in fact incorrect Janet.

First of all Big J, a microwave should not be considered as ‘staff privileges’ this is absurd. A microwave is a bare necessity in the office, such as ink is for a printer. I do in fact clear up after myself, every time for that matter thank you very much. Only on 2 occasions could your damning statement comply and I would like to defend myself for these 2 suspect moments.

 

  1. The new microwave has a new setting different from the old microwave (RIP Frank) which means that our new microwave heats things at a much more intense heat. I was therefore none the wiser that cool Tuesday lunchtime when my lentil soup was massacred. I would have cleared it up but it was Angela from third floor’s birthday and they were cutting the cake!
  2. There was also NO RULE anywhere that stated we couldn’t put marshmallows in the microwave. This was only instated AFTER I had done this. It is not my fault that the rest of the office considered this to be a marvellous idea and followed suit. It was in fact the bellends from tech who took it too far by stuffing the microwave with 100 marshmallows (at least). I cannot be blamed for the stupidity of others.

 

…I must say I am beginning to think we are embarking into something more than passive aggressive emails. I am well aware you have been single for a while Big J, which perhaps suggests that this pent up frustration is in fact ‘pent up sexual tension’. I’m onto you and don’t you worry- your secret is safe with me and I am beginning to read between the lines.

 

Charles,

I can only assume your weekend was a good one considering you came in a whole 45 minutes late this morning. Now that you have kindly joined us, please can you come to my office and fill in a late slip explaining why you think you are above the office policies that have been set for you.

Regards,

Janet

 

Dearest Janet,

Thank you for assuming that because of the fun loving guy that I am, that I would naturally have a good weekend- I did thank you-pub lunch was on point as always.

I see you stated clearly that I was 45 minutes late- very observant of you- I will tell HR that you are doing your job proficiently as ever. I do however think it would be unwise for me to come to your office at present whilst office talk is rife at the moment and I don’t want to fuel it any further than we already have – as I am becoming quite the regular!

As to why I was late, I can reveal to you that I had a most unpleasant experience in Pret-a-Manger. I paid for a classic BLT only to find on my journey to the office that it did in fact have no tomatoes (I know-outrageous) but don’t you worry Janet, I went straight back to complain.

There was some debate between both myself and the Pret team, as there was a suggestion that perhaps I had already eaten the tomato. Oh no, said I, this is simply not true, I am an honest man of virtue who has been an avid Pret goer since before they made those green juices that cost more than an actual sandwich. I was beginning to think that the fight may be lost and I would have to start going to the other Pret (a whole 2 streets away which would ensure future tardiness coming into work) when I was saved by my regular lunchtime server Rodrigo. It just so happened he had come in for the morning shift (what are the chances) and vouched for my integrity. The rest of the team caved and dutifully said I could not only keep my current half eaten sandwich but also get another as compensation. Shaken by my most recent experience, I decided to settle for an egg and cress sandwich.

So as kindly stated above, you can see for yourself that I really did have the morning of all horrors. However, you will be pleased to know that my new sandwich did in fact have both cress and egg in, instilling my faith back into Pret.

Yours Faithfully Charles

 

Charles, my office- NOW

 

What can I say? When she wants you she wants you- she is only human after all. I think we’ve all received the standard passive aggressive email and everyone has their own version of Janet from HR- I guess ultimately it’s how you handle it and how much tolerance both you and the person on the other side of that email can withhold. Character building continues well into your twenties and I would say the passive aggressive email from a work colleague definitely is at the root of it.